I think one of the most aggravating things in the world is thinking about something that isn’t worth your precious time. Wasting time and head space on thoughts and not being able to make them vanish is frustrating in general, never mind the fact that the issue you have been pondering isn’t exactly pleasant in the first place. I suppose I am being rather ambiguous here, but I can’t help but be angry at something so valueless in my life, yet it makes its way through my entangled synapses to surprise me when I least expect it. One of the things that rack my brain is my father. Yes, I am one of those girls with “daddy issues.” Hallelujah, let’s categorise this bitch and leave her in that box. First of all, before I continue with my rant, “daddy issues” has a particular implication that I am weak, vulnerable to men and overall an easy person. Let me say that I am the opposite of all of those barely stereotypical accounts of a girl without a dad. I do not let people take advantage of me, and yes I do admit to being manipulated every once in a while, but I assure you that everyone has fallen for manipulation: that is how power is made. The amount of rubbish I have to deal with because people enter my life assuming that I need a father figure and they are the perfect person is not even comprehendible. I mean shut up. Those thinking that they are perfect for anything are usually the most narrow-minded, if not empty headed people in the world. The amount of men that stumble into my life’s path and believe I will fall to their feet and praise their existence is something I have lost count on. Honestly, the last thing I need is a colossal fakery drumming up lies to make me fall in love with them. Real people. Raw, scarred, lively people are too rare within society when we desperately need them.
Okay, now that that is out of the way, let me get to my point. There have been plenty of times in my life where I have sat and given a sigh of relief that my father is no longer playing pinball in my brain. Pinball was such a great game though, I shan’t lie, that is my childhood right there. Anyway, I believed I had accepted abandonment and abuse, I believed I was a strong person able to forgive. Well that was all bullshit. It’s amazing how well you can lie to yourself. I convinced myself that I could overcome pain on my own. You really cannot, because as much as you try to suppress your thoughts and your pain it will always come back, and this took me almost eight years to realise. Most of my anger grew from the amount of times those thoughts and memories floated around my head. It’s frustrating. The anger is self-harm to an extent because instead of dealing with how you feel, you would rather push it aside and scream at it until it goes away. Now, I am in a more comfortable space. I have fully accepted the road that I have to travel on. The only way I learnt to properly accept my circumstances and not let them define me, was to understand them. Understanding and acknowledging your situation is difficult, however it is worth it when all the weight you have been carrying with you is gone. Trust me, for those of you who know me, you will probably notice that I am a lighter person when I walk because I don’t carry that anger with me anymore.
Even though I understand and have accepted my father’s chosen path, I have not come to the point of forgiveness. Many people say that forgiveness is the key to moving on in life, I don’t believe that at all, I believe accepting and being honest with yourself is the only way you will ever be free from those thoughts. My father’s path in life is something I fully understand considering his psychological state of mind and the space he was or is in. I accept that that is who he is, and I cannot change that. I do not forgive him though. Nobody deserves to lose a parent. Whether it be divorce, abandonment or death, losing that parent causes grief. If you have ever experienced grief, you will understand that it is even worse than depression. Forgiveness is not on my bucket list and never will be when it comes to my father. Cruelty, no matter the form, is not worth forgiveness just as much as it does not deserve to travel through your brain and affect your heart. As much as I understand why he disappeared into thin air, there is a degree of choice that we are all offered in this life. That choice, to abandon your only daughter, tell her how much of a disappointment she is and then throw a brief sms at her on her birthday telling her how much you love and miss her is not something to be forgiven. If no remorse is given, no forgiveness will be received. Rather than forgiving, I am grateful for the troubles I have lived through. I have gained perspective, perseverance and respect for all people’s circumstances no matter how large all small.
I know it sounds rather odd to say I am grateful for my depression, my “daddy issues” and the constant self-doubt that looms over me. The reason for this is because I have witnessed those who live the easy life and they are nothing more than fluffy sheep in a big world of sameness. I have met people who have lived the worst experiences possible and their wisdom and utter confidence in who they are astounds me. Like I said previously, raw people are the most down to earth people you will ever meet. But now I have gone on a tangent that is for another day. Instead of forgiveness I am thankful for the life I have been given, because even though there are some days I really want to jump off a cliff, the most beautiful experiences surprise you and make you realise that euphoria does follow you, waiting for that moment where you let yourself go. If it weren’t for those thoughts milling around in my head bringing me down on a continuous basis, I wouldn’t be able to recognise nor appreciate the beauty and value of life.
Be you and all that is great will follow.